


i can't breathe

by brxkenarrxws



Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Multi, Nonbinary Asada Shino | Sinon, Nonbinary Character, Polyamory, Post-Canon, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, i need this, shino's having an emotional breakdown, this is like post caliber arc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:28:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24403573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brxkenarrxws/pseuds/brxkenarrxws
Summary: "Somebody get me a hammerWanna break all the clocks and the mirrorsAnd go back to a time that was differentA time when I didn't feel like there was something missingNow my body and mind are so distant"--Shino's been losing sleep, and it's becoming quite obvious.But she can't help it.She doesn't even know who she is anymore.
Relationships: Asada Shino | Sinon/Kirigaya Kazuto | Kirito, Asada Shino | Sinon/Kirigaya Kazuto | Kirito/Yuuki Asuna | Asuna, Asada Shino | Sinon/Yuuki Asuna | Asuna, Kirigaya Kazuto | Kirito/Yuuki Asuna | Asuna
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	i can't breathe

**Author's Note:**

> So, in case y'all haven't figured it out yet, I'm nonbinary (they/them) and I just really wanted to write a fic about Shino going through hell to figure out who she is like I did.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!
> 
> Warnings:  
> Gender dysphoria  
> Mild depression  
> Self-esteem issues  
> Lots of tears

Shino curled up beneath the blankets of her bed as she sobbed quietly, letting warm tears trickle from closed eyes.

For the past two weeks, Shino had been avoiding sleeping in the same bed as her boyfriend and girlfriend, Kazuto and Asuna. She didn't want to wake them with her pathetic sobbing. 

Why was she sobbing?

Shino couldn't even look in the mirror anymore, for it was not her reflection that stared back at her. It was a different person. A stranger. Someone foreign. Someone she didn't know, yet it was _her own reflection_.

She wanted to scream. She wanted to scream until her voice was gone. But of course, she couldn't do that. Shino could only sob into the blanket that kept her warm, the only thing keeping her company was the darkness that engulfed the room.

Muffled footsteps made her go stiff, and a light suddenly sliced through the darkness. Someone opened the door.

"Shino?" a worried voice called out.

Shino kept her eyes closed, hoping that Asuna would assume Shino was still asleep and leave. 

But as she should have expected, Asuna was not so easily fooled.

The light shrank down into a sliver against the wall, and Shino could hear Asuna's footsteps approaching the bed.

"Shino? Are you okay?" Asuna whispered, sitting on the floor in front of Shino, her caramel-hazel eyes filled with worry. Shino kept quiet. Or at least, she tried to. A choked sob escaped her lips, and another tear rolled down her cheek.

Immediately, Asuna turned on the lamp that sat on the nightstand and pulled herself onto the bed to drag the dark-haired girl into a hug.

The sobbing girl clutched onto the swordswoman, burying her face into her shoulder. Asuna's fingers tangled themselves in Shino's dark locks, giving gentle scratches with trimmed fingernails. 

Shino wanted to kick herself for letting Asuna see her like this. Seeing her so weak and broken. Crying like a little girl. The only other person that had ever seen her like this was Kirito, and it was during the Bullet of Bullets tournament. She had just...shattered like glass. Her usual calm and cool composure had been ripped down like it was paper. She had sobbed, the dam that kept her emotions back for so long had cracked and crumbled, letting a tidal wave burst through and flood her with emotions.

Shino's sobs had died down, but she still clung onto her girlfriend, refusing to let go, as if she would breakdown again if she did. 

"Are you okay now?" Asuna whispered, pulling back to look at Shino through caramel eyes. 

Shino wiped her eyes with her sleeve. "A...a little bit."

"What happened? Did you have a nightmare?" Asuna asked. Shino shook her head.

"N-no..." Shino mumbled, her voice cracking lightly.

The door suddenly creaked open, making Shino jump and look over Asuna's shoulder. A very, very tired Kazuto stood in the doorway, rubbing his left eye with his hand. The boy's hair was an absolute mess of bed-head, locks of onyx-black hair sticking up in every direction.

"Why are you two up?" Kazuto asked, letting out a yawn. Asuna looked back down at the dark-haired girl that still clung to her, face buried in chestnut hair. 

"Oh..." Kazuto mumbled. The swordsman walked over and plopped down on the bed beside his girlfriends, his gaze now worried.

"Shino?" Kazuto said, reaching over and tucking a few locks of blackish-brown hair behind her ear. "Do you wanna tell us what's goin' on?"

The archeress shook her head and clenched her jaws as warm tears trickled down her cheeks, betraying how broken she felt inside.

"Shino, you're crying." Kazuto whispered, scooting closer to brush the tears from pale cheeks.

"Do you want to wait to tell us in the morning?" Asuna asked, still tracing her fingernails over the dark-haired girl's scalp softly.

"Y-yeah..." Shino croaked, attempting to hide a yawn but failing miserably.

There was some sort of "routine" that the three of them had acquired ever since they started dating. When getting into bed, Kazuto would be the first one to get comfortable under the blankets, pulling the blankets up just until they covered his body, but left his shoulders exposed. Shino, despite her protests against being in the middle, would snuggle in after, shuffling further beneath the blankets until the lower half of her face was concealed. Lastly, Asuna would slip under the covers, pulling the blankets up until her shoulders were covered. 

The routine was not abandoned, even on this night. The only difference was that now Shino was being spooned from both her left and right. She would be lying if she said she didn't enjoy it. It was quite comfortable anyway and it put her at ease.

Closing her eyes, Shino let sleep overcome her senses.


End file.
